While all the holiday cheeriness ensues, I wanted to take time to acknowledge and be sensitive to those who have a really hard time through the holiday season.
If that is you, you'll want to read this.
This is the most personal story I have ever shared on RealFit.tv.
So, although it's fairly long - take the 15 or so minutes to read this - because I promise you, it's empowering. And it will give you hope. And if nothing else, it will give you insight into how I tick.
Especially if you were a member of Evolution Health & Fitness that I opened in 2008, or if you've been following me since the beginning of my YouTube channel in 2012.
It starts with tragedy, loss & heartache and circles around to one of the most amazing, life-changing, connect-the-dot moments I could EVER share with you. As they say, hind-sight is 20/20. But, only if you have the courage to look.
This is such a BIG piece of who I am & how you know me and yet, I have never told the REAL story publicly.
Until now.
& the catalyst begins with last Wednesday night.
Steve & I found out that friend of ours took his own life.
This news is heart-wrenching, jaw dropping and incredibly tragic. If you have been touched by suicide, or sudden death for that matter, you know the feelings that words cannot describe.
And because it was suicide, I immediately feel the pain go straight to my heart for his wife.
I sent prayers and love immediately to her and their children from afar. In fact, I will continue to send them... my work there is never done. <3
Her husband was a fellow volunteer fireman on the local department when Steve & I first met. He moved down to Virginia several years ago, so Steve & a team of firefighters took a 10 hour drive round-trip for the day to pay our respects and console his family in the best way they knew how.
The services were Saturday.
I too, lost someone whom I loved dearly to suicide. A boyfriend of mine. His name was Brent.
I was with him on & off (more on that in a moment) from my 21st birthday until his death on December 5, 2003. I was 26 by then.
Saturday was the services for our friend, and also happened to be the anniversary of Brent's death. He was 27 years old at the time with a super successful trucking business that he built from nothing at the age of 18. He was a brilliant entrepreneur.
It was ultimately drug addiction that drove him to make this final decision - either go back to using heroin (he was clean for 6 solid months) or take his own life.
He chose the latter.
I remember the day I got the call at work. This is when I was in corporate. At my 9-5 graphic design gig (I would teach fitness classes at night & on weekends - this was in the heat of my over-exercising days. I used exercise to escape my life.)
The snow was starting to fall that particular Friday & they were predicting a nor'easter. 2-3 solid days of snowfall for the entire tri-state area.
At the time, Brent & I were just starting to see each other again. He was clean, home from rehab for a few months & taking good care of himself. (This was the longest sober stint he had since his addiction started 2 years after we first me)
And because I loved him so deeply, I would rather be without him so he had a shot of staying clean, then be with him where he felt content and would go back to using again.
I seemed to be the catalyst for his desire to sober up because I fought him on this tooth & nail and would leave him when I found out he was using again.
Although, he referred to me as his angel for this exact reason.
Well, most of the time I would fight him. sometimes I would leave him. Not always.
It was too painful at times & I would turn the other cheek - pretend that I didn't know he as using again - I was too exhausted & scared to move out, yet again. I mean, "Who would look after him & make sure he was alright? To make sure he stayed alive?"
...back to the snowfall on Friday, December 5, 2003...
As I mentioned, Brent owned a trucking business. A fleet of 12 dump trucks & trailers.
He had a plowing contract for sections of route 23 & route 80. These are major highways so that meant his drivers (himself included - I would often ride with him overnight to help keep him awake) would be lined up ready to work. After all, pay from the state was GOOD money. Really good money.
I knew he was getting his team ready to plow. Later I found out that he only recently signed to renew the contract for that year. He flipped a coin with his buddy Tommy (who was against it for obvious reasons) to determine whether or not they'd plow that year.
My cellphone rang & it was Brent's brother - we called him Bones - on the other line.
Bones would NEVER call me. I had issues with him because I didn't feel like he had my back in trying to get Brent clean. I felt isolated from both his brother & his Mom for this reason.
Side note: His Dad passed away when he was a teenager. Hence the drive to build a business. He had to step into his Dad's shoes & take care of the mortgage where his Mom was just not capable of being a Mom & his brother had his own difficulties coping with life.
I was usually cordial to Bones, so when he called I was pleasant....
And then just seconds later with the tone of his voice, my heart started racing because I knew whatever his reason for calling, was not going to be good.
I wasn't living with Brent at the time of his death, but his friend we called Big Steven was.
Big Steve was really there to "babysit" Brent. Look after him & help him do the basics of staying on track through his drug use and through his sobriety when I just couldn't take it anymore.
Big Steve took care of our pitbull, Dozer, too. I felt Brent needed Dozer's love & companionship more than I did, and I knew Big Steve would look after him. Big Steve looked after the both of them at times I was just beat down & driven away.
He was the one who found Brent dead in his bedroom that morning. He overdosed on sleeping meds. Took a whole bottle, swallowed it down with some beers. And left us a note.
He wrote to me - "Dana, you will be the only one who understands. You did the best you could. I love you. Now, go live your life."
And it was true. I was the only one who understood.
Yet, in the grieving process, I did not go out of my way to help others understand. I kept the information to myself. That was just too much for me to continue to fight. I didn't have it in me.
I did however, feel immediate relief from the burden of Brent's pain knowing he was no longer alive. And, part of me felt guilty about that for a very long time.
But, what he was going through in his life - the reasons that drove the drug addiction - had my compassion, my love, my heart & my soul. I just couldn't bare to see him suffer & fight so fucking hard anymore. He didn't deserve that kind of torture.
Bottom line: He didn't see himself the way I saw him.
He was one of the most driven, intelligent, motivated & get-shit-done people I have EVER met.
In my eyes he was beautiful & he was brilliant. He was so fucking funny. He was kind-hearted & incredibly generous. He didn't buy just one quad, he bought 2 - so his friends could ride with him. Same with his snowmobiles & motorcycles.
He took good care of me in the best way he knew how. Showered me with gifts like a convertible BMW & designer clothes. He had my name tattooed on his neck & written all over the passenger side of each dump truck. (It's what you do for your 'ol lady)
Although all I wanted was for him to get clean & stay clean.
I remember taking that call from Bones, then somehow finding the where-with-all to go outside for the breakdown that I felt coming on... & not do it in my office with my co-workers & boss right there.
My buddy Patryk followed me outside & brought me a jacket to shield me from the bitter cold and the snowfall as I had already dropped to me knees in a puddle of tears & sobs trying to get a handle on what I just heard.
..to get a grip on the bitter truth of the reality that Brent is no longer alive. He is no longer with me.
Why now? I expected this a year or 2 ago. Not now. He was clean. What the FUCK? We just had dinner. I know he left me a message on Wednesday night & I didn't call him back, but what the hell?
I left the office early that day. Needless to say, I was NOT going to teach spin class that night.
The rest of the company left early too because the snow was falling heavy & the ride home was going to be treacherous. & of course immediately thought of his trucks getting out there - business as usual- without their fearless leader to guide them. Instead, his best friend Tommy, was at the helm - working his ass off, dealing with the results from that heads-up coin toss while mourning the death of his childhood friend.
My heart broke for Tommy to have to deal with that.
I got in my jeep & I immediately called my Mom.
My Mom called my sister.
Then they both headed over to my apartment -in the crazy snow storm- as soon as we hung up the phone.
Amanda & my mom were each there to witness the entire roller coaster of "what the hell is Dana doing with a drug addict boyfriend?" that consumed the last 4 years of my life.
And THIS is where the story starts getting GOOD. Really GOOD.
It's where the beauty & blessings in my life started opening up for me to see. For all of us to see "what the hell I was doing with a drug addict boyfriend?"
But, for a time, Amanda (or as I call her, Manda) & I had gone our separate ways. Probably for about 10 years actually.
Manda had death touch her early in life. He son's middle name is Vaughn after a friend who she lost in a ATV accident in high school. She knows the impact of death.
I had not. I had lost no one up until that point in my life. So, how to handle it was completely foreign to me. I had no idea how to navigate it or what the hell was going on with my emotions moment to moment. The best word I could use to describe it was surreal.
Manda stayed with me for 2 solid weeks to cook for me. Sleep next to me. Answer my call when I was having a bit of a meltdown. or Just sit by me & hold my hand on the couch while we watched tv.
We became inseparable again after that point.
We talked every day & we became our old peanut butter & jelly selves - actually, 2.0 - we upgraded to natural peanut butter & dark chocolate this time around 😉
You know her as my sister who is in lots of our workout videos & the amazing Mom of 2 who does practical & real-to-life cooking videos for our VIP members.
How did we get there?
Because of BRENT.
Brent showed me that having a business & making an impact was possible.
That anything I wanted in life was doable. And worth fighting for - even if that meant fight against him.
I learned by watching his dedication to building a business that was sustainable through thick & thin (in his case, in & out of rehab), that I could see the possibilities for myself.
...maybe I could do this build-a-gym thing after all?
I NEVER believed that any of this would have been possible if I didn't have Brent in my life. NO WAY. NO HOW.
His death gave me the gift of understanding what was REALLY important to me. It slammed things into perspective, I guess you could say.
I stopped complaining about what was going wrong in the fitness industry, I grew a set of ovaries, I got out there & did something about it!!
The good stuff didn't start showing up only in my business, but also revealed itself in my personal relationships.
I met my husband Steve 6 short months after Brent passed away.
I was clear about what I wanted in a relationship.
I was clear about what I DIDN'T want in a relationship.
And here we are. Steve & I are celebrating 10 years of a rock-solid marriage in 2016. We have a fucking amazing relationship & I owe it to Brent.
So, no matter what horrific thing you are going through right now, TRUST that there is a bigger plan in action.
While I was in the thick of the 2-day cry-fest after finding out Brent was using yet again (for the umpteenth time)...
While I was getting on with teaching classes as if nothing was wrong in my life (meanwhile I had no idea if he got home safe or was even alive from the partying all night in the city the evening before)...
While I was mourning the loss of the [first] love of my life...
There were the tiniest lessons & purposeful events that at the time, had very little meaning to me. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was scared. I cried & yelled & screamed A LOT.
& here I am. 12 years later, after his death...
This is a defining story of my life. of my character. & the meaning I put behind everything I do for my business. It was the BIRTH of my business.
I didn't think it was important or relevant for you to know up until this point.
We are about to embark on a new year. 2016. And everything I send out is to add value to your life. To make this next year STELLAR. Better than the last.
Now that you know this about me, we can actually get better acquainted & hopefully make the lessons I have to teach even more impactful.
Let's start over.
Hello. My name is Dana Lee Chapman & I am the founder, creator & lead instructor of RealFit.tv. Nice to meet you. [hand shake. eye contact.] Trust me. Whatever it is you are going through, is for an amazing reason in your life and it's yet to be revealed to you in it's entirety. It is one of the greatest blessings unfolding for you right now. Your diet, workout, & weight loss struggle is a part of this amazing story. And on the other side, you will grow to learn from it, the most profound life lessons, because it is for your GREATEST GOOD.
Wow. So many similarities. As they say, people are put in your path for a reason. It’s truly something to go through hell and find the glass half full. Kudos my friend.
I’ve wanted to share this with you for so long Teri…. I knew there were parallels to our lives, I just wasn’t bold enough to get this out yet. xoxo
Dana!!! I don’t read every blog but so glad I read this one. I have always appreciated your authenticity. This is a great story and HUGE message for all of us. Thanks for sharing this story and your talents with us ALWYAS!!! Happy Holidays, thanks again. You are very helpful to other instructors on Youtube also ;-). Appreciate you very much.
I’m glad you were drawn to read this one too, Karla. I truly appreciate your kind & supportive words. Thank you for reading. xoxo
Dana,
Thank you for sharing your heart so openly and beautifully. I honor your journey. You brought tears to my eyes and opened my heart. I took a leap of faith and after working out in a gym since I was 18, (I’m 47 now), I quit the gym. As terrified as I was to do that, I did it because I was following my heart. And it was then I found you on youtube. I watched one video and I knew I was guided to you. You are a blessing in more ways than one. I am grateful for you and for your amazing gift that you share so generously. It is amazing how there is a bigger plan and when we allow it to unfold, we are blessed beyond measure, (words easier said than done). But you sharing your story, shows how we only do get a small piece of the total picture and all really is Perfect, even if we have no idea how perfect it is at the time.
Big Hug to you Dana and many Blessings.
xoxo
BIG HUGS to you too Lisa!!! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!! xoxoxoxo
What an amazing story. You are so courageous to share that with us. We all battle our own demons, but it’s nice to know that under that cheery exterior, you too have struggled. I thank you for sharing and for all that you do!
-Angela
You’re welcome Angela!!! Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. Yes… we all have our own demons to battle. Ya just never know what’s beneath the surface. It’s all a lesson in compassion. xoxo
Just sending all my love to you. You fabulous lady. I’m grieving for my mum right now and this touches me so much. Thank you for trusting us with this honest and powerful message. I am so proud to call you a friend xx
You were also inspiring me to finally have the guts to get this out. You are grieving your “mum” & the holidays this year will be bittersweet, I’m sure. For many years before AND after Brent’s death they were for me too. I put on this happy exterior as a fitness coach & had a lot of pain & suffering inside that I couldn’t let show. Thank you for commenting Jude. I am proud to call you a friend as well. xoxoxo
Thank you!!! <3 <3 🙂
You are welcome!!! Thank you for reading. xoxo
Dana, thank you for sharing your story, it must have been difficult to put into writing. I’ve got to be honest I was in two minds whether to read your email but I’m glad I did. For years I’ve been supporting my mom through her ( for want of a better word) troubles. Trying to fix what couldn’t be fixed. I felt like we had turned a corner and she was doing well, when she died suddenly at the end of October. You have given me hope, that I will get through this and come out the other side. You are an inspirational lady thank you again xx
I’m so sorry to hear about your Mother Nicola. Yes – there is hope. a LOT of HOPE! How she has impacted your life & has left your life is yet to be revealed. And these things cannot be forced. They will unfold in the most magical & mysterious ways if you are open to seeing it. xoxoxo
Dana,
Thank you for sharing your story. It is comforting to know there are others who have experienced similar tragedies in their lives. It makes one feel “not so alone.”
You have come out stronger (and with more clarity) on the other side.
Deb
Thank you Debbie. xo Yes – it is extremely comforting to know your are not alone. I think that’s why I was so inspired to share it. This time in my life was sooo lonely. I had very few to turn to because so many people judged the situation – couldn’t understand why I’d stay. or would continue to go back. Because there was a greater force at work, that’s why. 🙂
Thank you Dana . . . . .
Much love XXXXXXX
xoxoxoxo
You are the most tenacious lady I know Dana .. This was so honest warm and heartfelt .. We never know what’s behind the next door of our journey . You are touching lives and making a difference and You are doing what you were born to do ..
Thank you for that Danielle! xoxoxoxo
Thank you for your courage, your inspiration & your sharing. And I don’t mean just the bravery in sharing your story at all, but in squaring your shoulders and facing the stigmas associated with the issues you raise (suicide, drug use) on your own terms, with pride instead of shame…and showing us all how it can be done.
For years & years, I would hear about a local suicide & I would usually keep quiet. My view on it was of more compassion than thoughts of selfishness by the person doing the act. So, I wouldn’t share much about how I handled it in my life. There is a heroin epidemic going on in the surrounding towns where I live. Suburbia, North Jersey. With the recent friend we lost & the drug issues going on, it’s time for me to speak up & show another side. Open up their hearts & minds to a bigger picture, so they understand all the pain in not for nothing. Healing can begin when you can see It’s part of a bigger plan.
So impressed with your courage to share and be a servant leader.
Thank you Sara. xoxo
Very empowering indeed. Thankfully I have never had to endure the loss of a loved one who would take their own life. Perhaps this story you’ve shared will help others an I am sure it has tied up a few loose ends for you as well! “So, no matter what horrific thing you are going through right now, TRUST that there is a bigger plan in action” – this is an amazing sentence right here and anyone, anywhere can take comfort in this no matter what tragedy or hardship they encounter!! Thank you Dana!! xoxo
Thank you Debbie! xoxo
Hi Dana,
I have so much respect for your hard work and dedication in starting your own business!! You chose to use the tragedy to fuel your inner calling, which is helping people become a happier and healthier version of who they are. Thank you!!
Thank you Juliana!!! <3 much love to you for recognizing that. xoxoxo
Dana
This is a most courageous share. Your contribution to others is so amazing. I can’t imagine how that will expand in 2016 now that you set this truth free.
You have penetrated a new level of relatedness with people who struggle to be their best self. Clearly you also reveal yourself to be a person who loves and accepts others deeply despite their flaws – that doesn’t make you flawed – that makes you amazing!
I’m so happy you found a passion for finding fitness balance and for teaching others to do the same. To love yourself and treat yourself well despite your flawed self and flawed life – despite going back over and over again to a source of both pleasure and pain – be that a boyfriend or food or workout routines that do more damage than good.
I love your message to trust that you are growing to become someone with an expanded ability to see the good within you and around you – to see purpose for your pain, mistakes and “flaws”. You absolutely fucking rock!!
wow, Gina…. THANK YOU! & you’re pretty fuckin ROCKIN yourself. xoxoxo
WOW Dana, your story ripped at my heart. Thank you for sharing. I thought you were already amazing but this story leaves no doubt now. What you do everyday for all of us is a true gift!!!! Thank you for everything!
Awe, wow. Thank you Dawn. That means so much to me. xoxoxo
I am so glad I finally sat down to read this with the attention and focus it deserves. Thank you for sharing Dana. You have completely inspired me, to take a tragic moment from my past, and rewrite the ending. It’s no longer about being a victim of circumstance, but understanding the higher purpose.
I also love the bond between you and Amanda. It reminds me of me and my sis, and warms my heart.
You are one amazing lady, Dana.
Thank you for taking the time to read this Dani… and more importantly, reflect upon your own life! That is what I intended with this post. May the tragedy in your life turn out to be your absolute biggest blessings!!!! xoxoxo
So I am just now reading this story – perhaps there is a reason why. I have been teetering on the edge myself for the past month or so. The man whom I thought was the love of my life left me 2 months before our 10 year anniversary (would have been in December). He turned “40” and wanted to live a different life and did not want me to be a part of it. Sure….. He is a police officer whom I supported through thick and thin – often putting my own needs aside for his; I am about to lose my house; bills are piling up as a result of a teenager crashing into my car at a high rate of speed a few months ago… causing serious injuries which has prevented me from working out (and gaining 60 lbs); When I had to undergo a medical procedure to repair the back injuries related to the accident – someone (probably from the hospital) stole my identity and ruined my credit…well….what was left of my credit after the accident. I just started a 2nd job in order to try to pay for everything. I’m now working 80 hours a week leaving me with no time for myself and am beyond exhausted. I try to keep a smile on my face to hide the pain. I teach elementary during the day and college classes at night. My students take my mind away for a little while. But the tsunami of sadness and being overwhelmed hits me in the face each time I walk through my front door. I understand the pain of drowning in a pool of unrelenting despair but I keep trying to tell myself that it will pass. Will it though?
Thanks for sharing both sides….the side of sadness and the side of pulling through. Hopefully a few months from now I will have pulled through.
(Sorry for any typos….typing through a flood of tears).
Thank you for sharing this Char. I am glad you read this story when you needed it most. Sending you love & good energy to move through this challenging part of your life. There is GOOD on the other side of it. Just BELIEVE!!! xoxoxo